Original Roots

Originally I started this blog as a thought-processing tool and place to share revelations I felt were only from the Lord.  In addition I thought it would be nice to post the "Tolås Happenings" so that people who generously support us in Missions would have a place to see little snippets / snapshots of where we are and what it's like.

Somewhere along the line I stopped writing so much of the revelations / thought processing themed posts.  Not sure if this is because of busy-ness, SO MUCH MOVING (therefore posting more "happenings"), but I lean towards it being the weird concoction of pride / selfishness that has manifested into a weird clenching to inadequacy in the last year - year and a half.

Let me highlight that: Pride, selfishness into / because of feelings of inadequacy.

Imagine my surprise while recently reading Dan B. Allender's book Leading With A Limp:
 "The moment of crisis exposes our perceived or actual incompetence, there will be a sense of fear and prospect of being found out.  We all feel to some degree like a poseur..."  (YOU MEAN I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE?!?!

A few things jump out at me, that make me question (one is already in all caps above), 
Where am I experiencing crisis (ain't nobody dying around me...or is there?), and why am I feeling a sensation of inadequacy - that is making me hide behind pride/selfishness? (*ukk...*)

- Could it be the struggles of marriage, the hurts and wrongs of past relationships that effect what God meant to be holy and set apart?
- Could it be the struggle of seeing there is SO MUCH NEED in this world that I just can't help it all and it just makes me want to clam up into myself (poverty, injustice, racism, adultery, idoltry)?
- Could it be the state the Arts is in (self-enthralled, traced all the way through with lust), and seeing the glorious state the Arts could be?
- Could it be the fact that I feel so ill-equipped and unprepared for all that is yet to be done in this life?
 - Could it be that I am NOT TRUSTING IN THE LORD?

What am I aspiring to.
If not the Lord, than what is worth my aspiration (nothing).
So many distractions in this world.
So many things things I think I want, I think I need.
So many things I've been told I can be: "you can be anything".
So many things I've told myself I must be.
I lean back to look at my past and see my failures.
I lean forward to see my future and see all that I'm not ready for (such a poseur).
I forget that once I've done everything to do to stand, I am to stand firm.
Stand firm in faith.
Stand firm in armor.
Stand firm in freedom.
Stand firm in Christ.
Stand firm in Now (His timing).
His grace is for Now, this Now, not that one, this one.
If I aspire to anything a-part of something else,
Then I aspire to nothing.
To aspire to nothing, is to death,
To aspire to nothing, is not life giving.
To aspire to Him, is giving up my life, and therefore getting life.  (what?)
I've already gotten lost.
I might as well get lost in His journey and not be afraid to admit it.
The journey I am on is the Kingdom Quest.
The Kingdom Quest comes with the "extra parts included".
...but the Kingdom Quest is confusing.
The Quest is tough.
The Quest is selfless.
The Quest is exposing.
The Quest is not always a yellow brick road.
The Quest is not always abundant of provisions.
But in the Kingdom Quest there is always enough for Now, this Now, not that one, this one.

Staying on the straight and narrow, in a place of selflessness, and transparency of failures/inadequacy. The opposite of Selfishness and Pride.

It disrobes the enemy, and is like a lightening bolt to his gut.  I think that's the battle I want to fight the one against principalities and powers...not the battle of self-absorption, self-preservation, and definitely not the distracting, unnecessary bickerings with others. 

Oh Lord help me, battle against the flesh in a manner of ferociousness and of innocence. 
Forgive me in the ways I fall short and aspire to other things.
I put my TRUST in You.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
Lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him
And He will make your paths straight.
proverbs 3.